Yep, I'm Definitely a Mum

10/17/2015

I just had one of those unbelievably emotional, defining moments in life that you know you'll look back on in years to come and it'll hit you, and you'll think 'Yep, I'm a mum'.

One of those moments where you absolutely break down into a shriveling blubbery mess because you either can't believe this moment is happening or you don't want to let this moment go.. Like when you give birth, or your kid starts school, when your son leaves home to start Uni, or when you walk your daughter down the aisle. You know.. those moments. And it caught me completely by surprise. You know what triggered it? 

Reuben got his first pair of pyjamas. 

And. I. BAWLED.



Look at him! I don't know what's wrong with me, I've got a lump in my throat just recalling it. I'm not usually one for dwelling on these things... I didn't even cry when he was born. Actually, I was so high on gas and air crying was the last thing on my mind. I was just completely buzzed at the fact I produced this child and in my head no one else had ever had a baby before me. And if they did then no one did it as good as me. I felt sheer glee. Or even when I left him at 9 months old to go back to work - Nope. Nothing. Nada. When I left him at creche to start Uni we progressed... I had tears of guilt. But there was none of these ridiculous overly emotional hyperventilating tears. But tonight I took one look at him in his big boy pyjamas and I broke. His whole future flashed in front of me. 

I used to get very annoyed at these mums who always complain 'I want them to stay this age forever'. I was always thinking I DON'T WANT HIM TO STAY THIS AGE FOREVER HE JUST BIT MY LEG AND PEED ON MY PILLOW I CAN'T WAIT FOR HIM TO GROW. When strangers say 'Awk don't they grow up so fast', I just smile... and in my head I'm thinking NOT FRIGGING FAST ENOUGH.

But here I am. Crying real tears because my boy isn't a baby any more. As a result I've been looking through baby photos all night. I had just about calmed myself down and then I realised his pyjamas don't have little feet attached to them and then I started psychotically bawling all over again. All of a sudden I could see how much he has developed. I could see him starting school, and playing football, and having friends, and asking me for money, and doing exams, and asking me for more money, and making questionable decisions with that money, and getting a girlfriend (who I'll probably not like), and moving out, and... well... just not being a baby anymore.

And here I am, sitting with my tail between my legs saying I don't want him to grow. I want him to stay just as he is. He can bite my leg and pee on my pillow and put ketchup in my hair and throw his nappy at me. I'll take every hit, because some day he'll grow up and I'll remember this night... and I'll remember that's when I knew I was definitely a mum. Because I cried over the dinosaur pyjamas. 





2 comments:

  1. I love your blog.. Reuben is adorable!! Where did you get the wee dinosaur Pyjamas?? They are so cute!!

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    1. Aw thank you SO much! I really appreciate that, thank you for reading! My mum got them in Peacocks believe it or not, they were really well priced too. Although I've left them in her house because I'm genuinely traumatised from seeing him look so much like a big boy hahaha

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